Body Blues

I'm embarrassed to admit that even at 34 years old, I still struggle with self-esteem issues and my body.  I had reached a point about 5 years ago where I was actually happy (thrilled, even!) with my body and fitness level.  I felt strong and attractive.  My fitness level suffered a bit when I started working a second job but I was still more or less okay with where I was.  When I got my promotion at work about 2.5 years ago, things went rapidly downhill.  Being on reserve meant my schedule was a joke and packing food became nearly impossible.  I regularly packed food and then had to toss it because it was either not allowed past customs or I was unable to keep it cold enough to be safe.  The saving grace was I lived across the street from my gym and so was still able to make it there regularly enough.

I love Calgary, really I do, but I'm struggling even more with this reserve schedule (where I'm often not even called).  You would think that being paid to sit around, waiting for a call would be a dream but apparently, for control freaks like me...its less than ideal.  In Ontario, I was used to always being called out and then being able to fit in a short workout during my layovers.  Now, I wait to be called and kill whole days by doing nothing.  I can go for walks through my neighbourhood but whenever I pack up my car to try and hit the gym (bringing all my work-related stuff with me in case I'm called out), I start feeling very anxious.  I wish I could say it was just a bit of discomfort but I actually am SUPER anxious, like just-shy-of-anxiety-attack anxious.  I know I should just work on pushing past that but frankly, with the emotional upheaval that has occurred due to everything else, I kinda just don't want to deal with it.

Where does that leave me?  More or less stuck at home for half the week but able to get in regular exercise the other part of the week.  What I need to do is focus on finding fitness options for me to do at home, while waiting for a call.  So far, I've found 2 apps, Sworkit and Nike Training Club.  I will have to devote some funds to picking up some equipment (hopefully I can find some stuff secondhand???) so I can add some weights/resistance to these workouts but we'll see if that's any kind of improvement.  My friend Karen over at torontogirlwest.com (who I'm sure had changed to a new blog name and will have to find it!!) is currently running a Wellness Challenge and trying to coach me through this rough spot.  

Please wish me luck,

Kristyn